The Accurate, Non-Partisan, and Brutally
Honest U.S. Citizenship Exam

(correct answers in bold)

Christopher Columbus did which of the following:

1. Discovered a New World.
2. Revealed the world to be round.
3. Kept an accurate log of his voyages.
4. Enslaved the Tainos.

Hernando Cortez is known for which of the following:

1. Bringing a message of Christian peace and charity to the New World.
2. Naming the gulf near Baja California.
3. Being best friends with Columbus.
4. Boasting about his mass murder of the Aztecs to Charles V of Spain.

Which word appears even more often than “Jesus” in Columbus’s journal:

1. Gold.
2. Christ.
3. God.
4. Admiral of the Ocean Sea.

According to Benjamin Franklin:

1. Stoves are a good way to stay warm.
2. Never fly a kite in a storm.
3. Mass surveillance means total security.
4. Those willing to give up freedom for security deserve neither.

Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, Ethan Allen, and possibly George Washington were:
1. Students who flunked political science in high school.
2. Secret members of a shadowy organization bent on taking over the world.
3. Either practicing Deists or influenced by Deism in their disbelief in religious authority and revelation.
4. The first to found presidential libraries that nobody visits or takes seriously.

Paul Revere never shouted "The British are coming!" for the obvious reason that:

1. Doing so would have alerted the British.
2. He was too busy dodging bullets.
3. He didn't want to annoy his British friends.
4. At that time the colonists considered themselves British subjects of the Crown.

The authors of the Federalist Papers deeply feared which of these:

1. Taxes.
2. Socialists.
3. Religious mobs led by demagogues.
4. Muslims.

The Founders of the United States believed in:

1. Safety from religious persecution.
2. Imposition of Christianity.
3. Preaching politics from the pulpit.
4. He who dies with the most toys wins.

The U.S. Capitol Building was built with which kind of labor:

1. Unionized.
2. Blue collar.
3. Slave.
4. Free.

The original intent behind the right to keep and bear arms was:

1. Stockpiling for Judgment Day.
2. Equipping a militia to fight off armed colonizers.
3. Hunting animals to extinction.
4. Profits from selling assault rifles.

The President's job includes which of the following:

1. Campaigning on promises of "transparency" and "change" while working actively against both.
2. Extending the surveillance powers of the previous administration.
3. Killing foreign nationals by remote control.
4. All of the above.

The primary task of Congress is to:

1. Provide a career pool for future lobbyists.
2. Create legislation.
3. Approve treaties.
4. Act like adults.

The U.S. is a two-party system because:

1. It just worked out that way.
2. We only need two parties.
3. Three would be too many to vote for.
4. Members of both parties cooperate to exclude other parties.

Socialists advocate:

1. Community regulation of the means of production.
2. Higher taxes.
3. Revolutionary atheism.
4. Taking from the rich and giving to the poor.

Wall Street was first used to do which of the following:

1. Sell government bonds.
2. Auction slaves.
3. Fund smart fences across Jerusalem.
4. Build the International Border.

The following is illegal to show on public television:

1. Gory violence in vivid detail.
2. Racist speeches by delusional whites.
3. Sexist rants by political candidates.
4. A woman’s breast.

The purpose of the No Fly List is to:

1. Stop terrorists.
2. Stop sloppy piloting.
3. Ensure domestic tranquility.
4. Intimidate Muslims.

The political tactic of telling a blatant lie over and over until people believe it came from:

1. Republicans.
2. Democrats.
3. Hitler's Minister of Propaganda.
4. God-hating tax-raisers.

The GOP’s push for “voter identification” repeats:

1. Jim Crow laws that keep poor blacks from voting.
2. Due process.
3. Habeas corpus.
4. Corpus Christi.

The South started the Civil War by firing on Fort Sumter because of:

1. Defense of states' rights against the North.
2. The need to create new sources of revenue other than cotton.
3. Ownership of slaves, as both the President and Vice President of the Confederacy acknowledged in public speeches.
4. Economic conditions totally divorced from political considerations.

The United States Government acquired almost all of its land by resorting to:

1. Treaties.
2. Negotiations.
3. Force.
4. Gift exchange.

In day-to-day actuality the United States is an example of which of these forms of government:

1. Democracy.
2. Aristocracy.
3. Bibliocracy.
4. Plutocracy.

Thanks to American telecoms working with the National Security Association, U.S. citizens can be:

1. Connected to the World Wide Web.
2. Spied upon without a court order.
3. Made more secure.
4. Given updated football game scores.

In the Land of the Free, income disparities are:

1. A myth.
2. A thing of the past.
3. Shortening.
4. Widening more than at any time in U.S. history.

Money to fix the national debt, protect wild spaces, and rebuild American schools and infrastructure can be found in:

1. Dreamland.
2. Tomorrowland.
3. The Cloud.
4. Offshore tax shelters worth $4-5 trillion.

The normal fate of elders in the U.S. is:

1. Leadership positions.
2. Warehousing.
3. Recognition.
4. Care and support by the state.

Which of these is a true statement:

1. Half of U.S. children rarely go outside.
2. School gardens are an attempt by liberals to indoctrinate children.
3. Nature is dark and evil.
4. Video games provide a more useful education than rocks or trees.

The U.S. is falling behind other nations in science and education because:

1. American teachers need more training.
2. Science and education aren’t that important anymore.
3. Poorly educated zealots have control over what children learn in school.
4. The numbers are wrong, we’re actually ahead.

Religious white fundamentalists tend to oppose evolutionary theory most often because they:

1. Can’t find it mentioned in the Bible.
2. Didn’t learn about it in Sunday school.
3. Believe instead in Devolutionary Theory.
4. Don’t want to face that we all came from Africa.

Not counting money spent for war, the U.S. sends this amount to Middle Eastern oil-exporting nations per minute:

1. No one knows.
2. $612,500/minute.
3. None because the U.S. produces its own oil.
4. $10 per share in energy futures.

To pass it, takers of the SAT Test must know terms from which of these sports:

1. Basketball.
2. Baseball.
3. Football.
4. Polo.

Which of the following is true:

1. Wars are increasingly safe to wage thanks to high tech.
2. U.S. foreign policy emphasizes peaceful co-existence.
3. U.S. auto makers have a documented track record for safety and excellence.
4. More U.S. citizens die in auto accidents than in wars.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. repeatedly said that:

1. The Civil Rights movement ended a complete success.
2. Black citizens now have fully equal rights.
3. War is both illegal and immoral.
4. War is sometimes preferable to peace.

President Lincoln privately said he would do which of these about slavery upon attaining the presidency:

1. "I'm going to let it go for a while and see what happens."
2. "I'm going to hit that thing, and I'm going to hit it hard."
3. "There is no slavery: America is a free country."
4. "Let's get them off the plantations so they can toil in Northern factories."

Sojourner Truth was known for:

1. Helping Betsy Ross sew together the first U.S. flag.
2. Her “Ain’t I Famous” speech.
3. Opposing feminism with stay-at-homeism.
4. Her “Ain’t I a Woman” speech.

Geronimo was:

1. Something to say when jumping off a high place.
2. An early teacher of Native American spiritual practices to interested white people.
3. An Apache who fought two nations trying to conquer his homeland.
4. The Army helicopter that preceded the Blackhawk.

Using indigenous spiritual practices or stories without tribal permission is a form of:

1. Paying respect to our indigenous past.
2. Highlighting the plight of Native Americans.
3. Taking the high and fast road to wisdom.
4. Stealing.

U.S. news services can be counted on to keep citizens informed of:

1. Celebrity sideboob exposures.
2. Intimate panda encounters.
3. What our favorite comic book characters are up to these days.
4. All of the above.

Cesar Chavez died fighting to protect the rights of:

1. Farmworkers.
2. Men named “Cesar.”
3. Agribusiness managers.
3. Cesar Salad makers.

Susan B. Anthony was known for:

1. Appearing on coins worth ten dollars.
2. Talking Sacagawea out of guiding Lewis and Clark.
3. Being the first woman astronaut.
4. Dedicating her life to getting the vote for U.S. women.

Most U.S. citizens lack adequate health insurance because:

1. Their employers are stingy.
2. What healthcare laws exist were ghost-written by insurance lobbyists.
3. They are just plain lazy.
4. They are healthy so they don’t need insurance anyway.

The idea that the U.S. is the greatest nation in the world is an example of:

1. Exceptional talent.
2. Exceptional patriotism.
3. Tribalism.
4. Group narcissism.

LGBTQ people living in the U.S. are guaranteed which of these:

1. A swift and fair trial.
2. Membership in the church of their choice.
3. Constant bullying and name-calling from the Right.
4. A violence-free future.

Refusal of U.S. officials and candidates to deal with global warming is:

1. A political necessity.
2. Necessary until we have more science.
3. Just fine because global warming is a hoax.
4. Planet-threatening denial and unprecedented dereliction of duty.

Future history will view the U.S. as:

1. King of the world.
2. Christ’s platform on earth.
3. God’s light to the savages.
4. A noble if imperfect experiment in democracy betrayed by its own politicians for short-term gains.

Congratulations! Barring gang attacks, fatal police brutality, food poisoning, death by environmental toxins, cancer from living near an oil refinery, lethal auto accidents, fumes from dangerous landfills, extreme storms and floods, uninsured health problems, assassination by drone, attack by “shoot first” survivalists, or disappearance into CIA black sites, you are now a proud citizen of the freest country in the world!

For more about the status and prospects of the United States, watch this short video.